Sexual Harassment from Boss Leads to Job Insecurity

Imogen is 25 and works in a large corporation as a personal assistant to a manager with whom she socializes in a group but refuses to date one on one.

"I don't believe in workplace relationships," explains Imogen. "I think they are very dangerous and especially one that crosses the divide between staff and management."

"If I accepted a date from my boss I would ultimately lose my job for no other reason than he would want me out of sight when he got tired of me."

"He's very attractive and I can't deny that I dream of him at night," laughs Imogen, "but he should know better than to compromise me and flout company rules."

"Our company has clear guidelines forbidding dating between co-workers - and especially between bosses and subordinates," says Imogen, "but my boss says that Nature cannot differentiate between a boss and a subordinate - we are all the same in the big scheme of things, and no company can contract for employees not to fall in love. It just happens."

"He says he's fallen for me," laughs Imogen, "but I guess he says that to all the girls and because he is so focused on romance and sex I guess he is incapable of making rational decisions."

"I don't feel too happy about taking responsibility for this situation," confides Imogen. "I agree that it's probably silly for companies to ban workplace relationships. Sex is, after all, a basic human function and attraction cannot be easily turned on and off at will."

"However, from what I've seen and heard about workplace relationships they are very disruptive and their ultimate demise can wreak havoc," sighs Imogen.

"I've seen girls get fired for rejecting a boss's advances -especially when the boss is a lecherous old man - and also for having a workplace relationship with a boss," confides Imogen.

"And I'm pretty sure that most of the transfers to different departments or to out-of-town branches are related to management wanting to separate two people - whether it's a boss and subordinate relationship or between equals."

"Mostly though," sighs Imogen, "it's usually the women who get fired or who are forced to make the painful decision to quit as being the only realistic way to move on from a workplace romance. I don't want to end up like that."

"The old double standard is really blatant in the workplace," confides Imogen. "A man like my boss is more or less expected to conquer, get bored and move on. If a woman behaves in that manner not only is her moral virtue questioned but also her professional standing."

"It’s interesting that a lot of the sexual harassment that occurs in workplaces does so as a result of romances souring," observes Imogen. "Having been privy to intimacies with a person, some rejected lovers may continue expecting certain intimacies to continue. In other words, they cannot operate strictly in a professional relationship with their former workplace lover."

"When a man behaves in this manner very few people would call his behavior harassment," says Imogen. "There is still the belief that sexual harassment by a man has to be aggressive in order to be real harassment, and it has to be directed at someone he has not been involved with."

"When a woman behaves in this manner, it’s a different story - she is seen as some sort of Fatal Attraction psycho," laughs Imogen. "The last thing I want to be called is a psycho so I'm not going to allow a crush on my boss to weaken my resolve."

"He can ask me out every day for the rest of my life - I don't mind - but I am going to reject him every time."

"It's possible that after a certain number of rejections he will fire me in any case," muses Imogen, "but that's a risk every working girl faces."

"I suppose I'm lucky in that my boss is an attractive man," laughs Imogen. "I would be in a really awful situation if an ugly, old lecherous boss were trying to get into my knickers!"

"Whatever, it's still sexual harassment and the situation is getting toxic."

the persistent admirer at work

Bambi, 28, gritted her teeth as best she could, saying, "I'll think about it" when Nero, a co-worker in another department, invited her to a party on Saturday. She could not believe that he would have the cheek to ask her out after she had already rejected him on three previous occasions.

"I had been stalked and terrorized as a young girl by a guy whose advances I had once rejected," explains Bambi, "so I was understandably concerned about the situation."

Bambi is a very attractive lady and has many admirers at work, and most respect her rights when she declines a date. Nero was different. He was persistent.

"I really cannot go out with every guy who asks me," explains Bambi, "and it's sometimes very difficult to say 'no' without hurting some guy's feelings."

"With Nero I could see that a straight 'no thanks' wasn't working so I needed to play for time."

The next day was a Thursday and, after much agonizing, not knowing how he would jump, Bambi telephoned Nero at work and opted out of attending the party, saying she needed time to help a girlfriend move house.

"He sounded okay, and took my rejection without much protest," says Bambi, "so I took the plunge and followed up the telephone call with a brief handwritten card sent to his home address saying words to the effect that I would prefer he did not ask me out again. When all else fails, a formal written request to stop doing something is the only way to go."

Nero would receive the card when he got home the next day, Friday, or by Monday at the latest. Bambi did not want the situation to be hanging over head all weekend. It needed to be finalized now.

If Nero's persistent behavior was merely bravado - maybe a bet with the guys at work that he could get her to go out with him - then Bambi's written rejection would be received with a bit of disappointment and resignation, nothing more.

However, if his ego was so badly bruised by her failure to find him attractive that three rejections were not enough then when he receives the card he could turn nasty and start grinding her into the ground in order to make himself feel better.

"Having told him that I would be out all weekend helping my girlfriend I suppose I was taking a risk,"explains Bambi. "He could do something awful like trash my place - but then he possibly intended to trash my life in one way or another whether I sent him the card or not, so I definitely felt that putting my message formally in writing was imperative."

Having removed herself from a tricky situation, Bambi's next task was to maintain her distance.

"The easiest way to do this," explains Bambi, "is to take steps not to be seen, not to be available and not to react to unforeseen provocations."

Friday was uneventful, and so was the weekend.

"I drove home from my girlfriend's place late on Sunday night and slept like a baby," laughs Bambi.

"Early on Monday morning I left for work and found a thick handwritten letter from Nero on my desk!"

Bambi shivered with disgust at the thought of Nero prowling around her workspace in the wee small hours of the morning.

"I put the letter straight into the wastepaper bin unopened," sighs Bambi. "I've been through this before so I knew what was coming next."

Nero kept the notes and emails coming for two months and Bambi threw them all away unopened.

"As long as I kept cool and didn't react to these provocations -- such as informing management about him -- I knew that he would leave me alone eventually," says Bambi. "But I feel very sorry for any woman he gets involved with because persistent guys like Nero are likely to be violent and abusive partners."

breakups at work

When her love interest at work, Josh, transformed from object of desire into subject of ‘whatever did I see in him?’ the repercussions of Saffron’s soured workplace romance became nasty and disrupted not only Saffron’s life but the whole workplace.

"It seems difficult to imagine that the simple and beautiful act of falling in love can cause not only the pain of falling out of love, but possibly also the loss of one's job and livelihood as well," says Saffron. "Yet it happens every day, all over the world, and sometimes all it takes is the passage of a few months."

"Frightening, isn't it?"

"Being fired or being placed in a no-win situation where you have to quit your job is a common outcome of workplace romances," explains Saffron, "and I've now learned a lesson I will never forget."

"Most people know how risky workplaces romances are," says Saffron, "and yet they are increasing in number rather than decreasing."

"The rise of teamwork, forcing us to work closely with others - and global economic pressure, forcing us to work longer hours - have acted, it seems, to foment a lot of unlikely workplace romantic alliances."

"If you have no social life as a result of work commitments and you are working with people ten hours a day," explains Saffron, "then it is understandable that your natural urges are going to find an outlet at work and co-workers - some of whom you may not normally consider as attractive - will become objects of desire largely by virtue of their proximity and availability. This was exactly the case with Josh and I."

"Granted," says Saffron, "workplaces give us the ideal conditions under which we can get to know someone slowly and carefully, assessing their strengths and weaknesses. In fact, couples that met at work, some of whom continue to work together, are shown in marital research to have more stable and lasting marriages than couples who met elsewhere."

"But I wasn’t looking for a husband," laughs Saffron. "I wasn’t even looking for a guy."

"I am simply a hard-working single girl who just wants to succeed in life and if that means working until midnight every night, and becoming a workaholic, then so be it," explains Saffron.

"I believe that falling madly and crazily in love with Josh was symptomatic of a workaholic dis-ease."

"You tend to do crazy things, don’t you?" explains Saffron, "when you’re working late hours, not sleeping or eating properly, and not living a normal life. No wonder I felt attracted to Josh!"

Typical of the vast majority of workplace romances, Saffron’s romance fizzled out as predictably as a romance started outside the workplace, in the real world, but in keeping with Saffron’s dis-eased, crazy state the end of the romance devastated her.

When a romance is based on attraction, and very little else - as it was in Saffron’s case - it is pretty well acknowledged that as soon as the bloom of desire wanes - as Nature intends it to do, nobody can stay on Cloud 9 forever! - the couple go through a ‘falling out of love’ process that either causes them to form a mature, loving relationship or to wonder what on earth they ever saw in each other to start off with.

"When co-workers fall out of love, and do not progress to a mature relationship," says Saffron, "the romance can fizzle out with both parties being civil and agreeing to keep their professional relationship intact, or they can become good friends."

"A more likely outcome, though, when dis-eased workaholic people are involved," explains Saffron, "is that both parties will loathe each other, or one party may remain ‘in love’ and will either go through silent misery seeing his or her former partner with somebody else or become harassing or violent towards the straying partner."

"My former raison d’etre, Josh, dumped me for another girl at work," explains Saffron, "and although I'm no longer attracted to the guy I am extremely annoyed that he is flaunting his new girlfriend in front of me every day."

Whatever the outcome, it is clear that productivity suffers and the workplace generally becomes negatively affected when a couple of co-workers fall out of love.

"It isn’t very pleasant for my roommates, either," confesses Saffron. "They not only have to put up with me bitching about Josh but also my lack of focus on doing my share of the chores. I've also, on several occasions, got behind in the rent - not because I don't have money but because I've become totally disorganized since Josh and I broke up."

She admits that’s she lucky her roommates haven’t told her to find another place to live. There’s only so much that people in shared accommodation can put up with.

"When a romance ends in the real world, outside work, we tend to wallow in misery for a while and then chalk it up to experience and move on," says Saffron. "We can do this because we do not see our former partners any more. We do not speak to them on the telephone any more. They are out of our lives."

"When a workplace romance ends, the wallowing usually involves co-workers and they become unwitting participants in the break-up drama. They will take sides. So, not only did I have to face Josh every day and maintain some sort of professional relationship with him, but I also have to deal with co-workers who are either trying to get me back together with Josh or stir up more trouble."

"It is virtually impossible to move on with your life when you are in this situation," sighs Saffron, "and I have to make a tough decision."

"Should I flirt with Bob in Sales to counteract the anger I feel about seeing Josh with another girl? Should I quit my job and get on with my life? Or should I just do my best to pretend I don't care?"

"Actually," says Saffron," the situation has helped me face my workaholic tendencies."

"I'm leaving work earlier so that I can avoid Josh but when I get home I don't relax."

"I guess there is something about me that makes me both susceptible to workaholism and falling crazily in love."

"Maybe one day medical science will find a gene, let’s call it an excessive gene, that causes people like me to do everything in excess," sighs Saffron, "but in the meantime I could do with a pair of eyes that can't see the girl Josh is flaunting in my face!"

falling in love at work

Cynthia knows from experience that there is no such thing as Mondayitis or TGIF when the object of your affections works at the same place you do.

"It was a joy to leap out of bed in the mornings and make my way to work, anticipating eight hours of pleasure spent in close proximity to him," sighs Cynthia, "but it was the end of the world on Friday evenings when I had to leave work and spend a miserable weekend without my raison d'etre in my immediate life."

Cynthia made the cardinal error or falling in love with a guy at work and - typical of the situation - he made a fool of her.

"I wasn’t looking for a guy, or hoping to fall in love with someone," explains Cynthia. "It just happened."

"Given that falling in love at work inspires us not only to get to work early and leave as late as possible but also to look our best and be on our best behavior," laughs Cynthia, "it's amazing that companies do not encourage it to happen more often than it does. Instead, they're making us sign silly contracts not to fall in love!"

However, being employed involves a lot more than being at work, looking good and behaving well. One must actually do some work. And here is where employers get heavy and many of the unfortunate love-struck, like Cynthia, come unstuck.

The act of 'falling in love' has been likened to a state of temporary insanity - but a very nice one - and it is this aspect that probably frightens a lot of managers, most of whom have forgotten what it is like to be in love.

"It's true," laughs Cynthia, "it's virtually impossible to be productive when one is in love. One's whole being is immersed in thoughts and feelings of one's heart's desire. A person in love cannot be expected to knuckle down to facts and figures when they are in this state, and I was typical in that I didn't notice, or care, that my work was piling up around me."

"When the object of your desire does not work with you, it is bad enough," says Cynthia, "but when he works in the same building, or office, and especially within close proximity, the effect is worse. Your productivity decreases in direct proportion to the space between yourself and your loved one - who, in my case, happened to sit in my direct view at the far end of my workplace."

By far the headiest part of a romance is in the early stages, when you are not yet sure whether the object of your desire even notices you let alone reciprocates your feelings.

In the world outside of work a romantic rebuff carries no stigma, but when it happens at work it can be disastrous. Not just for the rebuffed, but also for the rebuffer.

Even when our heart's desire notices us and reciprocates our feelings the progress of a workplace romance is far rockier than it is in the world outside.

The first thing that happens when you fall in love at work is that everyone notices. Cynthia could not hide shining eyes, rosy cheeks and a sudden spring in her step any more than she could hide the fact that she was arriving at work an hour earlier than usual and leaving an hour later than usual.

A person 'in love' is a dead give-away.

Very soon the gossip starts. Cynthia refused to tell anyone who the object of her desire was. She was far too embarrassed to confide in anyone. So, rumors started flying around. People started monitoring her reactions when she was around certain people, and since she had a tendency to blush and stammer when Roland walked by, Cynthia was unable to keep her secret for long.

They say everybody loves a lover, but there are plenty of people who do not. The object of your affections, for instance, may be more embarrassed than you are and may feel repulsed by you - in which case you risk harassment charges if you try to pursue your desires further; and there are other people at work who may be angry that their workload has increased since you 'fell in love' and stopped being productive. Cynthia had to face the wrath of one woman whose work was being held up because Cynthia had not given her the figures she needed.

Since you cannot turn off your feelings - and it takes at least three months for a rebuff to wash through your system - the very last thing you want is public humiliation at work. If a rebuff occurs, you will feel like quitting your job in order to avoid the rebuffer and the ridicule of your co-workers, but unfortunately your emotional state is not conducive to finding another job quickly. Either way you look at it, a romantic rebuff at work makes you a loser.

The very best outcome for a woman who falls in love at work is to have her feelings reciprocated. And that was Cynthia’s fate, although at the time she considered it to be good fortune. But now, rather than one unproductive person the company has two slackers - but only for a short time.

You see, 'falling in love' is a heady process, intended by Nature for one purpose alone, and once that purpose has been achieved we go through the 'falling out of love' process. And, when you work with someone all day, and spend time with them outside work, too, the process of 'falling out of love' is going to be accelerated, bringing problems into your life that you never thought could exist.

"Fortunately for everyone concerned," says Cynthia, "my workplace romance with Roland fizzled out quickly and there were no traumatic repercussions. We are now good friends. I consider myself very lucky because I know plenty of women who have been through hell and back when they fell in love with a guy from work."

love on the company bus

The old Hank Williams song Please Help Me I'm Falling in Love with You both amuses and embarrasses Jordan because it reminds her of the time when she was falling in love with a man who did belong to another - and actually fell flat on her face in front of him to prove it.

"It served me right I suppose," laughs Jordan. "If I hadn't made such a fool of myself in front of him who knows how my silly crush might have ended."

"David and I caught the same company bus to work every day. I never noticed him at first but after a few months I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He got on a few stops after I did and always took the seat across the aisle from mine."

"The first thing I noticed about David was his wedding ring," says Jordan. "I always check for a wedding ring when I meet a new guy. It doesn't always protect me from married men on the prowl - but it's something I always do."

"I can't remember who spoke first - probably me - but after a few weeks of smiling at each other, saying good morning seemed like a natural thing to do."

"From smiles and good mornings we soon started to chat across the aisle from each other," explain Jordan. "By the time David and I caught the bus all the window seats were taken so all of our chat was conducted across the aisle."

"We talked about our jobs -- he was a manager on the second floor from me -- and where we lived and what we liked doing at the weekends," reminisces Jordan, "and it wasn't long before I really looked forward to my morning bus ride with him."

"I never saw him at work or on the way home -- he caught a later bus home than I did -- so our morning chats were really special."

"When I started getting up a half an hour earlier to make myself look prettier than ever I realized I had a problem. I was falling in love with him. And I was humming the Hank Williams song too!'

'He never tried to hide the fact that he had a wife and two children," explains Jordan. "But that never stopped him from flirting with me."

"David wasn't a glamour boy. Far from it. He was just the funniest man I had ever met and on wet and cold mornings he brought sunshine into my life."

"I don't know what the other passengers thought of us chatting and flirting together and at the time I didn't care," says Jordan.

"But all of this changed one morning when I was paying too much attention to what David was talking about and not enough attention to the road."

"The bus makes several sharp turns along the route and on one of them I had taken my hand off the safety bar to look at a magazine David was showing me. The next thing I knew I was flung out of my seat and was lying face flat in the aisle with my nose almost stuck in David's shoes."

"I was hurt and embarrassed and rather than doing the gentlemanly thing and helping me up David just sat there laughing at me, and everyone on the bus laughed along with him."

"That was it as far as my silly crush on David went."

"From that day on I caught an earlier bus and never saw David again," says Jordan, "and I thanked my lucky stars I didn't work directly with him."