Victimized then fired

After working for the same employer for fifteen years, Ruth, 35, was victimized for two months by her manager before being fired and, because she has a bad situation at home to deal with as well, she is devastated.

"I recently lost my job but far more than that I lost my dignity and self-esteem, too, because for two months prior to being laid off I was victimized by a female manager who knew the company was going to lay off several workers, including me," explains Ruth.. "She deliberately took advantage of this secret knowledge to vent her bile on people she had never liked or just didn’t give a damn about.”

"I couldn’t understand why this woman was victimizing me, and the horrible situation she put me in took me back to my very unhappy childhood,” explains Ruth. “So, by the time I received my pink slip I was already a wreck with the inexplicable victimization she had put me through, and my situation worsened when I went home with my pink slip and my mother harassed me go out and find another job immediately."

“If a company is going to fire people then I believe it has a moral duty to ensure that those people are treated well by their managers,” says Ruth. “I had given fifteen years of my life to that company and while I can understand that no job is safe these days, I can’t excuse the way I was treated by a manager with whom I previously had a good working relationship.”

“You hear a lot of people complaining about a lay-off or a firing happening immediately, without any indication that something was wrong,” says Ruth, “and they should consider themselves lucky because it means a management decision was kept secret for weeks or months, and life went on as normal, as it should in those situations.”

“No, I didn’t see the victimization as an indication that my head was on the line,” says Ruth. “The manager knew that I was on the list of those to go, but she had no reason whatsoever to victimize me or anyone else, other than gaining some sort of smug satisfaction that whatever she did to us would not affect her job.”

"I guess her inner bitch came out."

“By putting me, and others, through this victimization process that woman has severely affected our chances of getting another job quickly,” says Ruth. “It’s really sticking the boot into people who, because their jobs are being axed, are going to be needing all the dignity, self-esteem and confidence they can draw on when the pink slip arrives.”

“And, for people like me – who have troubles at home – this victimization and then a firing can have devastating consequences.”

Read more of Ruth’s story:

suicidal caregiver

are aptitude tests helpful?

Trudy is 26 and has a secretarial certificate that has not helped her much on a career path. Faced with another job search after a short-term contract expired, Trudy decided to use the between jobs period to consult with a few career advisers and take as much time as she needed to examine her life and what she wanted to do with it.

"Rather than frantically riding on the stressful job merry-go-round, taking on more and more qualifications in order to become more and more versatile and employable," says Trudy, "I thought it was time I stopped for a while and considered my options."

"The most important thing I learned from talking about my problems is that rather than reacting to changes that other people force upon me, it is so much smarter to be initiating a new direction of my own," says Trudy. "I accept that the ultimate solution to all the misery of job loss and forced career change lies in changing my attitude. Rather than waiting passively for the next corporate takeover or restructure to change my life, I am seriously considering a career change - but what?"

"Anyone seeking advice from a career adviser," laughs Trudy, "had better make sure that he or she works in the real world rather than in some ivory tower. Even career advisers are in turmoil these days. They cannot give the measured advice that they were once able to give their clients."

Because Trudy could not make up her mind about a new career direction she thought that career advisers would have good advice for her. Some of the advisers she saw were helpful, but Trudy is finding that the process of doing nothing, weighing her options - yes, even asking for advice - is in accordance with what is right for her at this particular between jobs time.

Also, it may not be a career adviser she needs to see, but a Life Strategist or a Personal Coach.

"The third career adviser I saw gave me a battery of tests," says Trudy, "at the end of which I was advised that I would make a good glass blower!"

"Okay, I realize that the test results were supposed to indicate a type of profession that best suited my aptitudes," says Trudy, "but I consider this type of career counseling to be totally out of touch with reality."

"Had the tests indicated that I would make a good nurse, or a good hairdresser, I may have been happier with the results. The options I was given were crazy. Glass blowing? Masterpiece restoration? I mean, how many openings do you see for glass blowers or masterpiece restorers? Get real!

"I suppose that when we don't know which way to turn - or when we cannot choose between two options - then the signs are quite obvious that doing nothing is the way to go," sighs Trudy. "I don't feel pressured to choose an option that a career adviser finds for me. There are many, many more directions I can take."

"Friends and good with advice, too," says Trudy, "but when someone advises you to follow a certain path it is probably what he or she might do in my situation, but they're not me and the ultimate decision rests with me."

"Seeing a few career advisers was a good learning experience for me because I learned that no matter how much I trusted or admired a professional adviser, and no matter how much I paid for the advice, I cannot act upon that advice unless I had a clear inner sign to do so."

"Professionals such as doctors and lawyers earn their living from giving advice. Mostly it is sound advice, sometimes it is not. When their advice is mistaken, the consequences for you and your loved ones could be devastating. Same goes for career advisers."

"I have learned that the best advice anyone can give you - or should give you - is to follow your own inner direction," says Trudy. "Do what feels right for you. Do not concern yourself with being stuck, not knowing which way to turn. Just flow with it, be patient, and allow the universe to work its magic for you. A solution will arrive in time, but only when you are ready for it. That's what being between jobs is all about."

"Often, just one sign is enough to cause us to act decisively one way or another, but sometimes - especially when we are too busy to stop and take notice of what we are hearing, seeing or feeling - the universe throws us sign after sign to ensure that we keep safe and take the right track."

"And sometimes, too, the universe punishes us when we perversely refuse to pay heed of the signs - when we do not take time to listen and to act according to what is right for us. There is much to be said for the callous remark: Serves yourself right!"

"I can remember many times when I suffered some minor misfortune as a result of ignoring sign after sign in my life," says Trudy. "We are all guilty of being so wrapped up in ourselves at some particular time in our lives that we fail to see what is going on around us or, if we do, we rationalize it, or take someone's advice on it because it is too much bother to stop and listen to how we feel. And then we are sorry."

"We reflect on what happened and moan: if only I had done this, or that, I would not be in the mess I am in now. Sounds familiar, right?"

"The purpose of setting aside plenty of time preparing for a new job or a new direction is to give yourself time to monitor your feelings and to be absolutely sure that you are ready to plunge into the murky waters of a world outside of your comfort zone."

"If you have been recently laid off, or suffered a relationship breakdown, you need time to get yourself back on track. Rushing into a new job or a new relationship before you are ready for the hurdles and pitfalls of what lies ahead can cause you some costly mistakes and misfortunes."

"When it's a minor misfortune, we get over it. We learn a lesson we needed to learn and next time we will know better, hopefully. But sometimes our perversity in failing to stop, look and listen to the signs causes us a major misfortune. I didn't want to let that happen to me again.

"In many respects, being given two crazy career directions was a great wake up call for me," says Trudy. "Had I been given two sensible career directions, I might have felt pressured to choose one and then I could end up regretting the decision."

"A good career adviser will point out the pros and cons of a decision that can only be made by you," says Trudy. "To influence you into choosing Option A over Option B when neither feels 'right' can set you back years."

"Undoubtedly aptitude tests can be helpful for some people," says Trudy, "and if nothing else being told that I would make a good glass blower or a masterpiece restorer tells me what I already know -- that I need a job that offers more creativity than secretarial work."

the party’s over!

Jasmine is 24 and back home living with her parents after she and many more young people lost their jobs when a local company folded. At first, she thoroughly enjoyed the between jobs period - partying every night - but as the months ticked by she got scared about having to find another job.

"Because I was part of a mass lay-off I spent many drunken evenings with my friends," says Jasmine. "The first two stages of getting back on track - being angry and in denial - were energizing and fun. We were angry at losing our jobs and cursed the company and at some level even denied we were jobless - but it was a great time!"

"Anyone who has ever experienced being the sole person laid-off must be green with envy at the camaraderie of my situation," says Jasmine, "because there is nothing like being in the same boat as everyone else to make you feel better, and there is nothing like a celebration, or wake, to ease the pain of any loss."

"The bailiff may soon be knocking on doors to repossess homes, cars and television sets," points out Jasmine, "but what laid-off people need more than anything else in the world is plenty of company and good friends to share their denial and anger."

"Just like the card companies started printing ‘Happy Divorce’ cards when divorce became so prevalent that nobody could ignore it any more," laughs Jasmine, "I'm sure that some marketing magician at John Sands has drawn up the prototype for a ‘Happy Pink Slip’ card."

"I understand that permanent jobs were a 20th century phenomenon and accept that everyone these days can now expect to be pink-slipped on a regular basis," says Jasmine, "but it's still a sad event, possibly a cause of suicide in some cases."

"Let's face it, lay-offs are becoming such a common occurrence in workplaces these days that it's no longer a stigma to be unemployed. And that’s good news!"

Jasmine makes the point that in her parents’ generation it was often the case that just one or two people got laid-off. The hapless guys who were the first to get laid off when the arrow on the company profit chart started to turn downwards had to suffer the ignominy of going home alone with their pink slips, often with nobody but their immediate family to console them.

Sometimes even families turned against the jobless, especially if it was the family breadwinner who had been pink slipped.

"You see," says Jasmine, "it was once such a terrible stigma to be laid off. Your hale and hearty workmates who were still in jobs no longer wanted to know you. Your best friends who were still in jobs no longer wanted to know you. It was as if nobody but your mother wanted to know you when you had lost your job."

Jasmine explains that it was not that all of these people suddenly disliked you. They merely felt uncomfortable being around you. They feared for their own jobs. They felt that the pink slip you carried might be contagious.

"Looked at positively," says Jasmine, "the mass lay-offs that occur around the world these days are effectively changing our attitude towards the jobless. There is no longer any shame in being pink slipped. It happens to the best of us, not just those who were last to be hired or those whose last performance review was under par. And quite a number of CEOs lose their jobs, too, when the companies they captained hit the rocks."

"Okay, CEOs do not get pink slipped," Jasmine adds, "but a forced resignation renders one just as jobless as a pink slip. And have you heard of any informal CEO pink slip wakes - where all the jobless CEOs get together and drown their sorrors? So pity them, sort of. They may be rolling in their ill-gotten gains, but they lack the camaraderie that their pink slipped former employees can enjoy and their chances of re-employment are not as good as ours. Who wants to hire someone who captained a business into bankruptcy?"

"I remember hearing about the pink-slip parties organized by recruiters that happened after the dotcom bust a few years ago," says Jasmine. "Hundreds of thousands of people lost their jobs and the recruiters moved in looking for easy prey - vulnerable people likely to jump into a new low-paying job out of desperation."

"The only parties that I went to after my company folded were the informal parties organized by my former coworkers," says Jasmine. "You know what I mean, the type of party that just happens when there is a local lay-off. The type of party where a group heads for the nearest bar and you can vent your denial and anger among people who are going through the same experience as you. No recruitment company threw a pink-slip party for us!"

"The first two months of being between jobs was spent in a drunken haze," laughs Jasmine. "And, because I didn't have to get up early for work the next day - or the day after, or the day after that - I partied on till dawn and plotted with my former coworkers all manner of dastardly revenges on our former employer."

"I believes it's a healthy process to hold wakes and to plot revenges after losing a job," says Jasmine. "It helped me over the initial anger and denial phase and channeled my anger into harmless talk. It is more likely to be the sole laid-off person - or someone without supportive friends - who is actually capable of carrying out revenges."

"After the denial and anger of job loss dissipated," says Jasmine, "I started to feel sad and it was during this period that I decided to return home. Luckily, my parents saw my depression as perfectly normal and natural and were willing to support me until I'm ready to face the world again."

"I’m not really in any hurry to find another job," confides Jasmine, "I remember too well the hassles of going to the salt-mine every day and I'm happy to stay between jobs for as long as my parents can put up with me!"

out of work, out of friends

When Polly lost her job, she wasn't too upset because she had a huge circle of friends and was pretty sure that one of them would help her find a new job quickly.

"I started networking straight away," says Polly, "and let everyone know my circumstances and how much I'd appreciate their help in any way towards finding me a new job."

"In the first month of being unemployed I contacted over a hundred people," says Polly. "Most I contacted by telephone, but some I wrote to because they lived too far away and I didn't want to run up a huge telephone bill."

"In the second month of being unemployed I relaxed a bit and looked forward to my efforts reaping a bit of reward," explains Polly, "but I sat by the telephone day after day and checked the mail and only four of the hundred or so people I had contacted bothered to catch up with me."

"Of those four people," sighs Polly, "only one was helpful in being very happy to keep an eye out for any job openings she heard of and to give me a job reference should I need one."

"The other three people who responded to my request for help in finding a new job turned out to be more of a hindrance to my job seeking efforts than a help," sighed Polly.

"Frankly, the ninety-six people who didn't bother to do anything to help me were more honest about their interest in helping me than the three people who pretended to care and made my job seeking efforts more difficult than ever."

"I was vulnerable and eager to please everyone in the early months of being unemployed," explains Polly, "and these three people took advantage of my circumstances to serve their own ulterior motives."

"One was a guy I had worked with in a previous job who promised to put in a good word for me with his present employer but all he really wanted was to wear me down with endless telephone calls in hope of getting into my pants."

"This guy ended up telephoning me every day," says Polly, "and he'd waste so much of my time talking about rubbish that I had to tell him not to telephone me any more. I had asked for his help in finding me a job and I wasn't going to allow him to twist the situation into one where he was trying to form a romantic alliance with me."

"The second fair weather friend in my job searching period was, surprisingly, an old school friend," says Polly. "She had a very high profile government job and could quite easily have found me a short-term contract job within her department to tide me over until I found a permanent job, but she behaved abominably towards me."

"She rang me back about a month after I first called her," explains Polly, "and we went out for lunch but all she wanted to talk about was her marital troubles."

"I paid for lunch," laughs Polly, "and sat there for three hours listening to her marital woes and whenever I raised the subject of job opportunities she acted coyly."

"I got the distinct impression that she actually enjoyed my discomfiture," confides Polly. "and this really disturbed me because you really don't expect an old school friend to play power games with you."

"I had never really been in a 'down' situation before losing my job," explains Polly, "so I had no idea how any of my friends would react when I asked them for help."

"If adversity sorts the wheat from the chaff and separates the good friends from the fair weather friends," laughs Polly, "then I suggest that everyone should manufacture a crisis very early in life in order to test their friends!"

"The third and final fair weather friend was a girl who had done some temp work at my old company," says Polly.

"We had gotten along great together," explains Polly, "and when she said she'd put in a great reference for me if I signed up at her temp agency I went ahead and did so."

"I smelled a rat when the agency never called me," laughs Polly. "My friend was boasting about all the temp jobs she was getting, and refusing, and saying things to me that made me feel bad - such as, 'haven't you found a job yet?' and 'maybe you should lower your sights and work in a shop or something'."

"I don't believe she put in a good word for me at all," sighs Polly, "and I wouldn't be surprised if she actually told the agency not to hire me!"

"No, I'm not being ridiculous," says Polly. "I trust my gut feelings and accept that some friends are helpful and some friends aren't, and other friends can turn out to be downright nasty when the chips are down."

"One helpful friend out of a hundred doesn't sound much," sighs Polly, "but one helpful friend is all I really need and I'm grateful for her."

"When we're down we need friends to pick us up and help us - not drag us down further than we are already," laughs Polly. "So from now on I'm adopting a tough stand with the people in my life - if they're not helping me, they're hindering me!"

Polly's story first appeared as job hindering friends